就像龙屏截图一样由一名初学者解释

I have very little experience with the
Yakuza/Like a Dragon
series. After witnessing the biannual Slack debate at work about which one is the best to start with (it always ends up being 0 or Like a Dragon, by the way, despite the one colleague who always pushes for Kiwami), I decided to give 0 a go and only got two hours in before falling asleep. This is due to the fact I was ill and playing it in bed, not a

judgment

call on the series itself. Promise.

Thanks to this and the dedicated, almost pathologically dogmatic reverence my colleagues have for all things Yakuza, I am acquainted with Like a Dragon in only the slightest ways.

Despite this, I feel totally qualified to tell you everything you need to know about it. I’m a gamer after all, and a gamer is nothing if not delusionally overconfident when making assumptions about things they know nothing about. Armed with screenshots supplied by my aforementioned colleagues, who would never set me up to embarrass myself, I’m going to totally nail the essence of this wonderful series.

We begin with a shot of the protagonist in prison. How do we know he’s the protagonist? Well, isn’t it obvious? Take a closer look at that screenshot.

He’s the one at the front, of course! A protagonist always leads, duh. See how the shadows cross his body, painting him in a moody light? He’s

complex

.

Mysterious

.

Oh, the orange guy? That’s Frank. We don’t talk about Frank. Frank’s not important.

The masks, you ask? One part fashion statement, one part uniform. I hear that being a yakuza is like being in a gang, and 85 percent of being in a gang is the

look

.

Here, we see our protagonist minus his mask. The aura, you ask? Well, this is obviously from that ill-fated crossover between Yakuza and The Sims, and our dude here has let his hygiene bar empty all the way.

Why else would his friends in the back be so far away from him? Dude smells. For good reason, too: if you let your hygiene gauge drop all the way to zero, you unlock the Smelly Tiger Stance, which allows you to intimidate any enemy into fleeing for the nearest soap shop. Rumours tell that if you change to this stance and then enter a Lush store, the game instantly shuts down.

While Like a Dragon seems to have really taken off, we mustn’t forget the game that came out during 2020, which was the year of the pig in the Chinese Zodiac and probably the last year that the Snapchat filters depicted above could be tolerated. Yes, Like a Pig had its moments, such as this one, which featured a modelling competition mini-game.

Unfortunately, whoever’s playing here wasn’t very good, as the Hawaiian shirt guy is being rinsed by the mesh tank top guy – why else would he be getting blessed with offerings of vanilla candyfloss, the internationally accepted symbol of fashion dominance?

Oh, this is awkward. How did this get in here? This is actually a snap of me presenting my raspberry and white chocolate chiffon cake to the judges at the local Flowers & Produce Show. I won the blue ribbon for my cake and a commendation for my citron marmalade.

It was a pleasant day, and we raised £273 for the Society For The Protection Of Chaffinches, a cause very close to my heart.

My begonias, however, were robbed, I tell you. Robbed. Pat Archer better count her days. I’m sure she used non-regulation fertiliser on those roses.

Ah, back to the game. This is the pivotal, iconic scene where Mandarin Man takes part in the ritual Humiliation of the Aged Emo. This began in 2018, when humanity as a collective decided that studded belts were finally out of fashion. Traditionally, a fruit-based mascot pushes a topless man wearing Hot Topic garments over and laughs at him. Pictured just out of frame is a Megadeth band shirt.

Fun fact: this tradition began specifically with an apple mascot called Grandmother Smith, but Big Citrus threw its weight around and pushed for the standardisation of Mandarin Man.

Now, this screenshot is one you might think is hard to explain. A bunch of men buried up to their necks in sand? Inexplicable, right?

Wrong. These are not men. These are watermelons before harvest. Specifically, these are speciality watermelons bred to look like human heads. As you can tell, Kasuga is perplexed at the fact some completely regular watermelons have snuck into his crop, thus harming his profit margins. If you think watermelons shaped like boxes go for a pretty penny, wait til you see what they’ll pay for watermelons shaped like boxers.

From what I actually

do

know about Like a Dragon, this might not be far off the truth.

This is just my Friday night, honey.